Being Kind is Incredibly Powerful!
We can be kind in many ways – to our loved ones, our children, co-workers, animals, strangers at the grocery store. For the purpose of this post, I’ll be talking about kindness to our partners. This post is first in a 5-part series on how to thrive in your marriage.
Part 1: Always try to be kind and loving
Doesn’t that sound easy? It is, and it’s not at the same time. When I work with couples we discuss this idea, from the BEGINNING. That you should always try and be kind and loving to one another, and if you can’t – its on you to take responsibility for it. The first goal in couples therapy is to reduce the distress and replacing damaging energy transfers with kindness is very impactful.
Personal responsibility is a foundation in my work with couples. We talk about LOVING one another as a concept that we can take responsibility for. If I’m too resentful or angry to be kind, and I treat you with disdain, it’s on me to regulate my nervous system. If I communicate to you with criticism and contempt, it’s on me to change that. It’s on me to control the experience in my body. It’s on me to shift my energy to be kind and compassionate. If you struggle with controlling the energy and experience in your body, this is a post from our blog that may help you regulate your system. It’s not just for anxiety. Any activation in your body can be shifted by you. Click here for the post. If you feel that you just can’t stop yourself from being mean, hurtful or abusive, individual therapy may be needed before couples therapy. This is something we assess for in the beginning of the process. Not every couple is ready for couples therapy. Sometimes individual is needed first.
Let’s talk about loving…
Loving is a verb. It’s a feeling – showing love or great care. It’s an activity. It’s a purposeful action we take. It’s a commitment we have made to those we love. To be loving. To love. To provide a loving environment. It’s a commitment of purpose. Kindness is a foundation of loving. At the core of loving needs to be a promise of purpose – a promise of kindness.
What is kindness?
Kindness is when you choose to share compassion with another person. It’s both a characteristic and an action. “Kindness is defined as the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. Affection, gentleness, warmth, concern, and care are words that are associated with kindness. While kindness has a connotation of meaning someone is naive or weak, that is not the case. Being kind often requires courage and strength. Kindness is an interpersonal skill.” (From The Importance of Kindness).
Kindness is when we express care, concern, compassion and empathy to our partner. Kindness is a smile, a purposeful glance of gratitude, an embrace, a kiss, a touch of the hand or pat on the back. Kindness is patience in hearing a story, words of encouragement, expression of thankfulness and gratitude. Kindness can be as simple as saying – I see you. I know you are here trying to make a difference. Kindness
is wanting to better the life of your partner. It’s knowing that you enhance another persons experience. Kindness is a superpower.
A few important points about being kind:
I can communicate my needs and wants to you in a kind, calm voice.
I can be angry and kind at the same time.
I can tell you how you are hurting me and have a kind energy at the same time.
I can be kind to you when you are upset with me and telling me how you feel hurt by me.
Kindness isn’t simply an action. I can make you a meal, but if I give it to you filled with disdain and acting from anger, it’s not kindness. It’s a damaging experience between us.
I can notice that your upset about something and be kind to you.
Kindness is an incredible superpower that can greatly affect your relationship.
The Kindness Challenge
Start today. Write down 20 differently ways you can be kind to your partner. Add 5 kind moments/ experiences/ gestures/ gift giving/ acts of physical affection for your partner for the next 7 days. Notice if there is an impact on the way your partner feels or behaves.
Remember…
Your relationship is what you put into it. Its also a good exercise to reflect for a few moments on the energy you bring.
Old Bridge, NJ Couples Counseling
Thrive Counseling in Old Bridge specializes in relationships, offering couples therapy, marriage counseling, premarital counseling and individual & group therapy.
Subscribe to our newsletter for future posts.