What is a relationship boundary? Relationship boundaries are requests you make to your partner that are based on how you want to be treated. It’s when you ask your partner to stop hurtful behaviors. Relationship boundaries are very important in choosing if your partner will become your spouse. Boundaries that are not responded to in the dating period will most likely not be respected while married. If you believe the commitment of marriage will change certain qualities in your partner, this is just not true. If you partner violates your boundaries and simply can’t or won’t respect them, this is a big red flag and serious thought needs to happen regarding your compatibility.
5 Common Relationship Boundary Violations
Physical Touch boundaries include playful, loving, sexual, and aggressive forms of boundary violations. Touch can feel very intimate or it can become scary and dangerous. If you have physical or sexual abuse in your history it is very important to pick a partner who responds to your boundaries. You don’t have to submit to unwanted touch.
1. Examples of physical touch boundaries:
Playful – violations can be tickling, squeezing your thigh, grabbing your hair, arm, etc.
Loving – violations can be a hug, a kiss, grabbing your hand. It may be a show of love from your partner but if you don’t want it, and you say no, your partner needs to respond to your boundary.
Sexual – examples can be grabbing you breast/ butt/ penis when you don’t like it. Pushing you down on the couch/ bed, holding your arms down, choking you, forcing you into a sexual act.
Other Aggression – If you are both arguing and your partner puts a finger in your face, slaps you, head buts you, pushes you, punches you, restrains you, doesn’t let you leave. These are all examples of physical boundary violations.
2. Language boundaries include ways in which your partner speaks to you that is hurtful. If you ask your partner to stop, and he/ she/ they don’t stop, that is a serious red flag.
Examples of language boundary violations:
Aggressive – threats of bodily harm or abandonment.
Sexual – making sexual comments about you or other people that make you feel uncomfortable – either in private or public.
Demeaning – name calling, shaming comments, put downs.
3. When your partner tries to force opinion change. This category of relationship boundary violation can be subtle or obvious. It can happen during an argument, or just every day conversation. It’s when your partner tries to talk you out of something you think or feel. It’s when your partner can’t handle that you may have a different opinion or thought. Your partner may debate you, make you feel stupid, use evidence to prove why you shouldn’t feel the way you do, etc.
4. In-validating/ dismissing feelings – when your partner says comments like – “You don’t feel that way.”; “Let me tell you why you are wrong.”; “That’s not what you meant.”; “You don’t want that.”; “That’s not what you need.”; “You shouldn’t need that.”. The ‘shoulds’ are subtle and yet so powerful. When you are constantly being told that you ‘should’ then that means your partner sits in judgement of you and you are wrong.
5. Communication boundaries are very important for couples to learn to solve problems and create intimacy. When couples can’t communicate well, hurtful patterns get created and start to create distance.
Examples include:
- Not letting you end a conversation and forcing you to keep talking.
- Escalating to aggression and anger
- Name calling
- Shaming
- Interrupting – not letting you express yourself
If you find yourself in a relationship with someone who crosses your boundaries be clear with what you are asking. “I need you to stop calling me stupid.” I need you to stop calling me names. I will not speak with you if you call me names or yell at me.”
If you find yourself violating your partners boundaries, even though you have been asked to stop, some reflection is needed. Why can’t I stop? Why don’t I take my partners requests seriously.
Relationships are a choice – choose your partner wisely.