What can I do to have a successful relationship and marriage? This is a great question couples often ask during couples counseling. There is a very importance relationship skill to learn that can significantly improve your relationship.
Following Through
If you create an expectation and follow through with it, you are send this message to your partner – “You are important to me and I care about how you feel and what you need”.
When you don’t follow through on something you agreed to, and this is a consistent pattern for you, you send this message – “You are not important to me and I don’t care about what you need and what you feel“.
If you consistently let your partner down, what would be the logical outcome? Your partner will feel hurt, disappointed, let down. Your partner will become angry with you. If you still act in the same way, your partner will eventually withdraw and not like you anymore.
What can you do instead?
Set Clear Expectations and Follow Through
What does that mean? I mean that when your partner asks you for things he/she/they need. Answer honestly. “Yes, I can do that”. “No, I can’t do that”. An example could be… “Exercise is very important to me and I need you to come home by 6pm and stay with our son so I can get to the gym for a class. Can you do this for me?”. If you say yes to ‘asks’ like this, and don’t do it, you are creating the scenario above. If this is a consistent pattern, you can expect to ruin your relationship.
What to do instead? You can say… “I can’t promise that to you because I’m not always in control of when I leave the office. Can we come up with an alternative that I can commit to?”. This is a skill that places importance on what one another needs. It’s very important.
If you have a hard time following through with agreements and commitments you need to make to your partner, individual therapy or couples counseling can always you increase your awareness of relationship patterns to help you create the relationship you desire. We offer these services throughout NJ. If you are in NY, you can visit our NY couples therapy practice Midtown Marriage and Family Therapy.