Follow these 4 simple steps to create that relationship you have desired. One where you are happy and loved, and where you feel heard, understand and supported.
1. Heal Yourself. Go to therapy for your anger, anxiety, and depression.
Yes, this is the most important factor to relationship success. How you feel as an individual is what you bring to your relationship. If you want to feel seen, you need to know yourself. If you want your partner to be around you, and connect with you, you need to be in a stable, consistent and safe emotional space. If you are depressed, your relationship will have depression. If you are anxious, your relationship will have anxiety. If you act and speak from anger, your relationship will have anger. It just is that way.
2. Speak clearly and kindly.
The way you communicate makes ALL the difference. The greatest of love stories can’t hold up if you speak from the ‘You’ place. (You are always on your phone, as an example.) Blaming and criticism and contempt will destroy your relationship. Speaking from the ‘I’ place is the only way to have your needs and wants clearly understood. “I miss you. Can we spend some time connecting over dinner?”.
3. Know what you need!
If you don’t know what you need and want, and you also can’t clearly speak it, how can your partner love you, and treat you the way you need and want to be treated? Some many times couples are on my couch and they start speaking emotionally about situations that happened, putting their emotions on the other person. I have no idea what the need is behind what they are speaking and when I ask, they also don’t know. They are just emotional and somehow want the other person to take it away. This doesn’t work.
We either need emotional support (to feel seen, heard, understood) by our partners or we need problems to be solved. That is either by asking the other person to change something, or by thoughtfully working together to solve the problem. You can’t get your needs met in a relationship if you clearly can’t articulate them.
4. Take your partners needs seriously and respond, if you can. Say no, if you can’t. Take ownership over your part.
This is so important. Many couples come to therapy just blaming the other person for causing pain and loneliness. Blame. Blame. Blame. They want the other person to do for them, but they don’t want to do for their partner. I often ask, “How does your partner feel loved and connected to you. What actions do you do, that create those feelings?”. They don’t have the answers. Why?
If you want a good, healthy relationship, you need to be good and healthy first. You need to understand what you want and have a good handle on emotional regulation.
Individual therapy can help prepare you for couples therapy. It is often advised that both people attend individual therapy before couples therapy or the growth is mis matched. Call us at 732-266-8994 of schedule a free consultation from the contact page on our website.